I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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