Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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