If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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