I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
