who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.