So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.