I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
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All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
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Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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