he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
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I booty called her while she was in labor.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
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I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
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