i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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