his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
