He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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