bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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