if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
