Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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