Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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