i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
