I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
His nipple licking is glorious
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