Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
