Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
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You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
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I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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