Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
