I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
