And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
