I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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