Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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