somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The uberlube is also flammable
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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