I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
