So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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