Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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