So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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