Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
