I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
