He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
