soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Randomize
