i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
