I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
