So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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