There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
