dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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