John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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