I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
