I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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