highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
