I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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