I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
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Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
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I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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