dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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