on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
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I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
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I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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