I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
