Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
