I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
