Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
