You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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