my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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