she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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