A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
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She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
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You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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