Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
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He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
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Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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