We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
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He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
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So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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