i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
