I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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