You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
