I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
