Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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