1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
