i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
