Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
