I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
