New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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