I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
